I haven’t written lately…as in pour- your- heart out on paper kind of writing…for two reasons: 1)December has a way of keeping you busy and distracting you on all levels 2) I just didn’t have the emotional energy to sit down and purge my restless always- seeking- answers self. Until Monday night.
I’ve been putting off blogging this ole piece like an unwanted diet. Because when I write I am forced to deal with all the emotions that I rather stay dormant and hidden.
But what was said Monday brought what was hidden,floating right under my self conscious to light. It was no different than most week nights, except my son, Roman went to bed unusually early and we decided to watch a movie, “The Town” and bask in the stillness of January. I sat with feet propped up on my husband,Seth, with a space heater right on me, so it didn’t matter how bad the movie might be, I was happy. Because I was nestled in a cocoon of covers and warmth…
An hour and 45 minutes flew by and we both agreed the movie was pretty durn good,minus the violence. But when you base a movie on bank robberies, I guess that is bound to happen. So all that to say, we turned it off at 9:57 and I was ready to pour myself into my pillow, and then Seth looked over at me and said, “Do we need to make a decision soon?” I knew what he meant ,I knew his intentions were nothing but kind.
But the question made me have to reflect on something I have prayed would just go away or God would change my heart and help me long for a different path. And in an instant my eyes were red, swollen and my cheeks were getting a night time watering.
The last two months I have prayed for a miracle, as I believe God is still in the business of doing them. But 20 months had passed by and God had chosen to not answer that way. And in that reality, I just broke. The last emotional thread to unweave the garment of my knotted soul.
You see, it doesn’t matter whether it’s infertility for me, or some other sorrow in your soul. We all come to places in our lives where we feel the coldness of God’s silence, the hopelessness of prayers unanswered, the sting of “does He really care, is He really listening?”
It is odd that if I were to know the Lindsay of 2011 when I was 25, I would say, “get over it, you already have one kid, you need to just be thankful and move on, you fool.” But until it burns in your heart, like a woman wanting a spouse, or a mother wanting her child to be made well, then you can’t quantify it or box it up with some “get over it” statement. All these longings are pure as long as they do not become idols. As long as these yearnings don’t replace running to His heart,clinging to His hand like a child lost in a department store, not knowing which way to turn to find the doors that lead to the light.
I do not know why God brings us down these paths of insatiable, yet uncontaminated desires, but I have learned this … we are not hopeless if we are His. We are not abandoned, if we are His. And then there is that word that our society has tried so hard to erase from the dictionary.
The word, WAIT.
Indeed it is a four letter word.
I would be mendacious if I were not to say I loathe the sound of it. You would be a liar as well to say you loved that degum word. Who likes waiting on that spouse, that day we meet our child in heaven, the day our spouse is healed from their addiction, that day that hellish law suit is over,or the day we hold that baby in our arms.
But, after 20 months of hurrying up and waiting, I have learned this amount of time is nothing to Him. Yes,yes, He knows I live I live in a day and age with medical options and in an era where we don’t live to be 189. But, one thing I am learning is He is God, I am not. He has to be enough. For me.For YOU.
And you know what I have come to acquire from my love hate relationship with my new friend, Wait? Waiting gives you compassion. When you are in situations that you never thought you ‘d be in, whether a separation, a job loss, or bareness---you all of sudden take back all those black and white statement you made about certain people and all of a sudden your cold, dogmatic, self-righteous steel heart is melted into these flexible fibers of love.
You realize your arrogance and you realize that your reproach has chained you down from reaching all that you are destined to be and it has also kept you tied you up from truly taking ahold of God’s hand.
When we think we have it all, let’s be honest, we don’t need Him. I have come to realize this, yes God could do a miracle for you and me…today..this very minute. But sometimes I think the greater miracle is that He gives us Himself. I know,I know..that’s not what you want to hear. Don’t get me wrong I know He can do the impossible, no doubt. But just think of the Israelite’s, He freakin’ parted the Red sea for them….and they forgot!!
Are we no different?? I think not.
Even today as a child tugging and clinging to the end of her daddy’s coat, begging Him to just pick me up and not make me walk one more step, to please just rescue me, rescue you from whatever is shattering your spirit into a thousand pieces, I will choose rather to release my wrenching grip—that grip that pleads, “do not lead me,but change my course! Now.”
Why would I do such a thing?
Because the greatest power is found in the walking. In the putting one foot in front of the other. We can’t help anyone else coming up the same bumpy path if we haven’t sauntered it. Can you imagine going hiking and asking an “expert” for help and they replied, “Oh, it’s full of some rough patches here and there, but actually I just flew over it in a plane..but that’s what I heard.” You would be mad as a hornet and then roll your eyes. It would be like someone saying, “oh here’s some advice on marital problems, but by the way, I have had a faultless marriage.” That ain’t gonna fly, my friend.
So today, I am not tugging, I am not asking where the doors are,or how much longer, or when this will be over. Rather, I am going to Hold his hand instead of yanking it another direction, trust Him, and follow His lead.
And when it’s time to pick me up and put me on His shoulders so I can see what this is all for …He will.
Written by Lindsay who blogs at http://lifelivedfully.com. I am a 33 year old believer in that believes that Jesus died for my sins..your sins. I am not perfect, nor has my journey been flawless. I made my way through my tumultuous twenties hitting bumps and many detours on my spiritual path…I was numb and disheartened by all the church goers that warmed the seats on Sundays, yet had cold, judgmental hearts.
In this process of understanding who Jesus really is… God broke me into a thousand pieces..as brokenness is the fastest way to His heart. This shattering of all things I held stable included a job loss that caused us to lose most everything, dealing with a husband who battled with debilitating, clinical depression, a marriage that was unraveling at the seams, and an internal fighting with myself over whether I really wanted to lay it all down. I was scared as all get out. I felt Him calling me to MORE.
And as my world felt out of control--spinning like a dreidel top...never knowing where it might land…I surrendered. I laid down my religion, rules, and formulas..and I prayed this pray, “God capture my heart with your heart.” For surely if I prayed this I would not miss Him like lovers passing each other in the dark.
I wanted to know Him, His heart, His passions…all of it. I placed down my average life and average expectations and what He has given in return is immeasurable. While life has been unusually hard after I prayed this prayer, it has also been unusually beautiful…exceeding my greatest anticipations with His love and faithfulness.
Today, I still long for His heart…sometimes baffled by Him. Sometimes angered. But always in awe.
Indeed God is good.
Yes, no matter how dark this life can be, nothing can dim the light of His heart pouring love upon those He so wonderfully created.