The first time I ever heard someone say something about not loving each other anymore as the reason she got a divorce from her husband, I wondered what she meant. It took me some months later as I pondered on it, to realize that couples could actually crush their love for each other. In fact I had told my husband on some occasions, that the way we were going, if we got used to not being with each other, it would not take us to our desired place in the relationship.After much thought, I came up with eleven things that could crush love between husbands and wives, how a relationship that was supposed to be the closest relationship on earth, where two people (a man and his wife-a woman) become one flesh suddenly becomes loveless.
Here are my eleven reasons, there could be more...
1. Indifference When couples do not care about the state of their marriage, they believe that one day things will get better; they agree with the world that their marriage must get worse before it gets better. I dare say it does not have to be so. If couples make up their minds to care about and tend marriage, there would be very minimum stress and growing love. Care about your marriage, care to note when it is not doing well and do something about it.
2. Poor/zero Communication This is a major, major. When couples do not talk to each other, talk with each other and listen to each other, they are building a gap between their hearts and this is very dangerous. It creates a major disconnect and soon they may find “other people” to communicate with.
Do not get tired of listening or talking to/with each other. I do not mean nagging, I mean talking... please. Talk about everything and anything especially things that concern your marriage and each other.
3. Un-forgiveness Some spouses will not, forgive, let go, stop recounting offences and expecting a repeat. This is like cancer; it can keep growing if unchecked, and will cause spouses to loathe each other eventually. This causes withdrawals and gaps and can lead to very bad situations. It is not healthy at all; you cannot love in the real sense of the word with grudges in your heart.
My husband always counsels that people learn to have forgiveness in abundance and give it out, even on credit. Treat your spouse like you would your three or four year old, you would not begrudge him or her. Always believing that he/she didn’t mean to hurt you will help you forgive all the time. True love forgives.
And note that when you forgive, it is for your own good. Medical experts have said that un-forgiveness is a deadly emotion as it releases harmful toxins in the body causing ill health.
4. Insensitivity Ignoring your spouse’s feelings, thoughts and needs will send messages of “rejected”, “not-wanted or accepted” to the other spouse.
Ask questions likes, “Are you okay, you don’t look happy?” genuinely. Look to see how you can offer help to your spouse, don’t always wait or want to be asked. Avoid doing these things your spouse has told you he/she does not enjoy. Look for ways to show your spouse that you care.
5. Over-Sensitivity If a spouse is sensitive to everything (wrong) he/her spouse does, it leads to discontent and also builds a wall. You leave the other person feeling he/she is no good and unlovable. Relax and enjoy your spouse, love is not real if it is conditional, if it loves only the perfect or in the perfect conditions.
6. Unchecked “Strangers” It is very unhealthy to allow closeness with someone to the point where your emotions take the better part of you and your marriage is threatened. When you find yourself sexually drawn to someone other than your wife or husband, then it is time to check. No matter who you are, or who this person is, you tread on very slippery ground if you continue. When you continually lust after someone, it is a sign that you need to go and work on your relationship with your spouse. Do not allow yourself lust after someone else. Cut off immediately, no sympathies please. When it comes to relationships, make yourself accountable to your spouse.
7. Secrets It is a dangerous thing to keep things from your spouse because when discovered, no matter how long it takes it will eventually be discovered and when discovered, trust is broken and once broken it becomes very difficult to build back. Be open to your spouse; tell your spouse everything you do or happens to you, before you “Huh?” let me say you must be wise in the how and the when.
8. Distrust Whatever it takes, do everything not to break trust with your spouse. It is the root of many problems in marriages.
9. Unresolved Conflicts When issues care not thoroughly resolved, it builds a thick wall between husbands and wives, it is invisible at first but if left alone can grow to be smelled and felt. Ensure that every issue is resolved and make sure you let it go. Also confirm that your spouse has too.
10. Visions Apart Doing too many things apart is not good at all. Hanging out with the boys or tea partying too often with the girls to the detriment of your marital relationship is not wise at all. And it also hinders the closeness that should be between spouses.
Do more hanging out with each other, when you spend quality time having quality conversation often with each other, you may not know it, but a bond is being built.
11. Disconnection From The Source When a tree is disconnected from the soil, it may take a while, but it will eventually wither and die. So it is with marriage, if any couple is disconnected from the source, the marriage is standing on quick sand, things may look good but the couple themselves will know that they are not fulfilled in the relationship.
If you and your spouse will connect with the Author of marriage, the GOD who joined the first man and woman, and follow after him, then you will never have growing apart as an issue, even if it does surface you will know how to handle it, and in time too.
What Who is the source? The Creator of heaven and earth, The Creator of marriage. Genesis 2:18 Any marriage rooted in Jehovah, the Almighty GOD, stands a great chance to succeed, if His rules are applied, then it has a hundred percentage chances to succeed. God is love and when rooted in Him, love cannot be thrust out of any relationship.
If you take care of everything listed above but remain unconnected with GOD, your bliss will only be short lived and you will go back to struggling. But if you get connected with God and deal with the issues, His grace will help you stand strong in your marriage.
So there they are: these listed notes are proven to affect any marriage, every answer to marital conflicts is in God. Get connected with God now.
Say this prayer: Dear God, I know I am a sinner; I do not want to be a sinner anymore. I want you to be my Father, please forgive my sins, I believe that Jesus was born and was crucified to save me. Jesus I ask you into my heart, be my Lord and Saviour. Help me to live righteous and to be your true disciple, I want to get connected to You and spend eternity with You. Father I ask all of this in Jesus name, amen.
About the Author: I am a child of God and I love Him. My sole desire is to please Him in all that I do, all the time. I work towards showing Him to others by my thoughts, words and actions. I am compassionate, my heart bleeds for suffering people. I try to do something about them in little but meaningful ways. I get a huge kick out of helping people. I am a minister of God and co-pastor the Church in Salem Lagos with my husband. I am married to one husband. God's man-Benson Jolomi, he is a true christian and I love him. I also have three other God's men in my life,my sons: Joshua, Joseph, and Josiah. They keep me up and about. You can find me on the web at http://www.ugochi-jolomi.com