As the holidays approach, I am realizing that a lot of the emotion of this year are coming to a head. But in an effort to allow myself to be vulnerable, here we go. This year has been marked by ups and downs and sudden twists and turns. I have found myself full of confidence, feeling on top of the world and then wallowing in tears no doubt heightened by hormonal imbalances of being a new monther.
The times I feel like I am leading are the best. Dinners are made, the house gets cleaned, blog posts are scheduled, my husband Mark and I have time to catch up, my son Behr and I arrive to daycare and work on time, and my anxiety level is low.
When I am leading, things just seem to hum along.
And then, without any warning I slip into chasing mode. Whether it is caused by exhaustion, or grief, or simply life’s challenges, I begin to chase. It is at this point, when I am feeling my lowest, that I begin to question why I blog. I catch glimmers of twitter updates and facebook statuses in fleeting minutes on my blackberry, wishing I had time to contribute, to be part of the conversation. This is when the self doubt slips in and I wonder if my presence isn’t wanted. I begin to chase after friends and other bloggers, begging for their acceptance. All of this also happens with real life, but it isn\'t as clear to explain.
I am a people pleaser, yearning for acceptance in all of the wrong places.
I also chase people away.
Chasing makes me want to hurry up and get back on the horse and run away to the beach to spend hours counting sand all at the same time.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderfully supportive family and incredible friends, but everyone seems to be far away with never is time to fully catch up. So often it is me that doesn’t have enough time; that has an overly full schedule and won’t take time to rest. I hurt the people closest to me when I slip into chasing mode.
And then, I blame them.
I am grateful that throughout this year of so much change, my faith has remained constant. My conversations with God are frequent, time I spend it prayerful reflection is fulfilling, but I am still so prone to stumble.
And so I feel caught in a cycle of leading and chasing. Do you get caught in cycles too?
About the Author: Shannon Schreiber lives in Washington DC with her husband and son. She is a working mom, but aspires to have herThe Scribble Pad and etsy shop by the same name sustain her family so she can work full time from home. Shannon enjoys cooking, crafting all things paper, the art of letter writing, and snuggling with her husband and son.