I saw some things before my spouse and I got married that I knew were going to be problems. I am sure we both did but we ignored them because we so wanted to be married. I believe this happens a lot with Christians. This often takes place when you want to be married so much and you have been waiting so long for that Christian guy or gal to come into your life. It seems that in the Christian dating arena there is such a limited selection that we often do not wait on our Lord’s choice but make things “fit” to look like His will. I am guilty and I am not judging, I completely and utterly understand how this happens because my marriage is a prime example. Our marriage was hard from the day we walked in off the honeymoon. In the first place I already had a daughter who had just turned six. She is and was a wonderful child who is a precious gift from God. There are two great things I can say about my ex-husband, one is that he always loved and accepted my daughter (he legally adopted her), and two that he was a hard worker and took care of our needs. Other than that I found it hard to name qualities I admired. But to be fair he walked into a hornet’s nest as did I.
My mother lived with me because I was a single parent and she was alone in another state. We decided it would be best if she move in with me so that she would be taken care of and so that my daughter would not have to go to daycare. This had worked out beautifully until I married. She was on a set income and had nowhere else to go and my husband knew this before we married. He said it was fine and we bought a home and remodeled the garage so that she would have a room of her own. As soon as we married however this became a bone of contention between us. He wanted to know when she was going to move. It was not just my husband either but his entire family that piled on this dog pile. Do not get me wrong, I understand this is a difficult arrangement but I could not throw my mom out in the street and she had left her home to come and help me and, of course, I love her. My daughter was very close to her also as you can imagine.
In the beginning it seemed we could not agree on anything but we were both trying to walk in the spirit. We were not however really giving up our way of thinking but it was more of an overlooking policy we had going. He loved cats and had two, he loved his water bed, he had to go to sleep with the television on, he snored terribly, and he would not budge. I hadn’t grown up with cats, especially around my face when I slept and on a water bed that rolled like the ocean. I was a light sleeper and had to have silence and darkness to sleep and because I was much lighter than my husband I was sleeping on a mountain of water that moved every time he did. Well, you can see how lovely this all was. The only thing he budged on was the cats and that is only because I said, “It’s me or the cats, one of us is going to go!” I guess I should be glad he chose me. I don’t mean he had to give them up, for you cat lovers out there, just not in the bed!
About a year and a half after we married we had our son and a whole new set of problems arose. He pretty much gave me control of our girl but when it came to our son we had problems. He wasn’t the kind of fellow that looked down at this small little guy and was terrified he would hurt him. He kind of treated him like a sack of potatoes. I am not saying that he hurt him but he just wasn’t the gentle and loving dad that I had expected. When my son could sit up on his own he sat him on the bed and walked away and my son fell on the floor. He didn’t get hurt seriously but I was so angry and he was so indifferent. He said, “Well, he’ll learn.” Ugh.
You can see that we had some pretty serious problems from the beginning. What neither of us knew was how much our pasts came to play in our relationships. He grew up in a non-Christian home with a father that owned three or more companies and was never home. His mother was the Republican Women’s President and at the Junior League or other organizations most of the time. He was born when his folks were older and the other three children were mostly up and out of the home. He had a nanny and did pretty much what he pleased. He got saved in prison, time he was serving for drug abuse, dealing, and other charges. It was years before we married but it was all still at play in our relationship.
I on the other hand was raised in a Christian home, not a perfect one to be sure, but with all the principles and teaching. But I had a dad who had very little of Christ’s love in his life and heart and he should have never had children. He was irritated by everything we did and I had never felt the love of my dad. So what was I looking for in a man? Yeah, you guessed it, love and admiration. I had spent my life surrounding myself with people and boyfriends that were enamored with me and then I married someone who was not impressed by much of anything about me.
My husband needed someone strong in the Lord, to keep him on the straight and narrow path and I was looking for someone to love me like Christ loved the church. Neither one of us was mature enough to turn these needs over to our precious Lord and Savior for healing but were both looking to another human being to meet these needs. I am here to attest that this does not and will not ever work. Jesus is the only answer to our needs and unless you are completely surrendered to Him and His will and have worked through all of the hurts and emotional issues of the past you should not enter into a marriage. Marriage is not a union instituted by God to meet the needs of our partners. The Lord gave us marriage so that we could be blessed by each other and to encourage each other through life and hardships brought on by the world, not by each other. I know that no one is perfect and we all bring things into a marriage that will need to be prayed through and by God’s great grace we can continue to love and support each other as we work out the details of blending two adult lives together.
What I am saying is to take your eyes off of your spouse and turn to the Lord and keep your eyes on Him. He can and will work through you by His great grace to make your marriage work if you look to Him. The word of God tells us, “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” Galatians 2:20 (NAS) “And He was saying to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.” Luke 9:23 (NAS)
About the Author: Paul Taylor started www.babysittingjobs.com which offers an aggregated look at those sites to help families find sitters and to help sitters find families easier than ever. He loves writing, with the help of her wife he has contributed quality articles for different blogs & websites.