I knew about your love, I experienced it, I felt it and I tasted it but still I did not appreciate it as you deserved. I listened to so many of my friends speaking about you and some of them spent so much time explaining to me about your love and the things you did in the name of your love for me, yet I didn’t get it.
I can remember the endless times you came to me with gifts just to express your unconditional love for me. Some of these gifts were given on special occasions and many others you gave me just to remind me how much you loved me. I also remember the times you protected me, you defended me and the times you stood up for me. Even so…
I took your love for granted and many times I ignored your promises, I betrayed you when you were so faithful to me. I hang out with people you didn’t know when I should have been hanging out with you and the people you cared for. I didn’t keep my word to you when I should have and when I promised you I would.
I did so many things that back then upset you so much; to a point I stopped going to places where you were, the places I knew you were there waiting for me. Your crowd started to annoy me, especially when they tried to tell me about you and your love for me, that I should try to get right with you. Their efforts made me avoid your crowd and I started to hang out with strangers, people you didn’t know and who didn’t know anything about you. They invited me to go to so many places and do so many different things but deep inside I was empty and feeling lonely because I was used to your kindness and faithful love.
The thing is, I never intended to upset you I was just tired of so many jealousies of that other one, I had enough and I needed some time on my own and some space to breathe. But the truth is, that the other one was getting what he wanted which was keeping me far from you. He persuaded me with his lies, with his blackmail gifts and his false promises. This was keeping you further and further away from me and I tried to justify my actions towards you by thinking that this relationship of ours is too hard because you wanted me exclusively for you, a committed relationship with you and even though I wanted it so much I thought I wasn’t ready for that, even knowing I was missing out on a lot because of my decision.
It is still so vivid in my memory the day I decided to walk away from your love, from our relationship and you trying to say to me: “Let me come in (in your heart) my darling, my sweet heart, my dove, Song of Songs 5:2b”. I honestly wanted to answer you “I have already undressed (sinned); why should I get dressed (ask for forgiveness) again? Song of Songs 5:3a. You put your hands to the door (of my heart) and I was thrilled you were near (after all I have done). I was ready to let you come in (into my heart). However when I opened the doors for you (my heart) you had already gone (your presence gone because of my sins). How I wanted to hear your voice! I looked for you, but I couldn’t find you. I called you but heard no answer. Song of Songs 5:4; 5a and 6
I finally realised I have lost you and from now I was on my own to live the life I chose, without you!
The watchmen (that other one) patrolling the city (patrolling my life) found me (without you and your protection). They struck me and bruised me; the guards at the city wall tore off my cape (the cape of my salvation). Promise me (I requested), women of Jerusalem (Christ’s Bride), that if you find my lover, (in his church) you will tell Him (in your prayers) that I am weak from passion (needing his love and mercy), Song of Songs 5:7, 8
My eyes were opened and I realised I was so broken, so defeated and so naked. I realised that I have believed in lies; false promises and that I should have never left you in the first place. I know where to find my true love but would he accept me back? After all I have done, after so much we have been through and how I upset him? I was so weak and so ashamed of my actions, embarrassed and judging myself as a failure.
After 2 and a half years apart from you I was still fighting to survive without you but my heart was aching, I was not complete with your absence in my life. It was on that trip to the beach, the New Years Eve in 1999, on that car accident that almost took my life away that I came to my senses that life is too short, that I was putting myself in eternal danger, that I could be lost and condemned forever if I had died in that accident, in other words what was I waiting for? I should run back to you…so I did.
After my recovery, on my first opportunity I went back to where we used to meet up, I saw you were there but I could not feel you. I could hear your voice but I felt like you didn’t notice I was there.
I was there! I just wanted you to see how repentant I was, how sorry I was for hurting you so much, but remember I was hurt too. Yes, I know it was my choice, I was wrong and you were right, please forgive me, let’s talk this over?
No matter what I said, felt or did on that day I felt like I was not noticed. I came home thinking what could I do to call your attention, to convince you that I knew what I wanted, I was ready for that commitment, having myself separated as I wanted to belong to you. If it was true what I knew about you, that you couldn’t resist or reject a repentant and broken heart (Psalms 51:17), then I was convinced you would have me back.
However I had to show you, to prove to you and to convince you that I was ready for that relationship you wanted with me. You could have turned to me and said: “how many times did I call you, how many times did I show you were hurting me and this would make me go away? You could have said to me, now it is too late, I loved you, I cared for you but you rejected my love for you. Now our story is water under bridge.” However I knew this wasn’t the case. If I am still alive in this earth, then there is still a chance for reconciliation with you my love, the best thing that happened to me. So by your strengths I started to search for you, because of your love for me I started to invest in our relationship again by spending time trying to make you notice me again, talking to you and enjoying your company. I started to care for the people you cared about, I started to love and appreciate the things you loved and fight for. I started to re discover you, read about you, memorise your most remarkable sayings, memorise your promises to me. I was back to my first love again and then certain “I cannot leave you but let me go with you and wherever you live I will live, your people are my people, Ruth 1:16a. This year we are celebrating 12 years since we got back together and I cannot have enough of you. Thank you Jesus for the second chance you gave me, for never giving up on me. Thank you for your presence in my life, for our conversations and the time we spend together, the good and the bad ones. Thank you for laughing with me and for drying my tears. Thank you for all those years together because today I know that nothing can separate me from Your love, Romans 8:38a.
About the Author: My name is Déya. I am a Christ follower, a wife to Mike, a Psychologist to be at Open University (last year in BSc Psychology) and a Theology student (last year in Theology at New Hope Church). I worship and serve as the Women’s Leader, as Discipleship Teacher, Celebrate Recovery Mentor and as a couple's counselIor at New Hope Church. I am am also one of the founders of Belas Missões/Bautiful Missions (https://www.facebook.com/beautifulmissions).